Before I go to bed for the night I decided I want to put an idea I had today out there. I want to write my story. A story I have had in my mind forever, I have started it at least fifty times but never really finished it. Once I got over 200 pages in only to have all my hard work burnt before my eyes. It hurt. I have always felt like I needed to jump back onto it but always had that pain on my mind. I've decided, I think, to write a chapter a week or every other week and post it here. Within a year, perhaps two depending on how well I stay on task, I will have written my book.
I will not share this story until I have figured out labels. This way those who are not interested in reading it will not even have to see it. There will be material that may be triggers or be very upsetting to some. The story is based on extreme child abuse and will be detailed accounts of abuse. I just do not want anyone who does not want to see this sort of story to have to see it.
Anyways, that is my idea! So, I think I will go shower now (for real this time haha) and get some shut eye!
Much Luv,
Lady Bea
Friday, May 16, 2014
Monday, May 12, 2014
My "Motherly" Thoughts
Being a mother to me is more than being the person who carried a child in my womb for nine months. I consider a mother the woman who takes care of anything in a parental way. They teach, direct, discipline, and love whoever or whatever it is that they are mothering. When I say that I am the mother of my puppy, our cats, our fish..it's because I really think I am. I am their adopted mother. I am caring for them, teaching them, feeding them etc. So yesterday, I was thinking about being the mother of the house and decided to write about being a mother, and the crazy thoughts that go through my mind in any given day. You might think I am weird, but I don't care haha!
I have always felt like I would make a great 'human' mother. And I think I am. I lose my patience and need a break sometimes but who doesn't? Having three boys isn't easy and sometimes I find myself wondering what goes through their minds. Z having a lack of vocabulary leaves me wondering what's going through his little head. Why does he think the dog is a cow? but then a cow is a cow? Fred, the dog, in no way looks or sounds like a cow. Why is he afraid of Mr. Potato head...is it how he feels? Why was he afraid of a flower yesterday, after I picked it but not before? Weird..no answers.
Why is Fred afraid of Gracie the kitten? Fred could probably eat her in two bites yet she can back him in a corner and make him cry. Blizzard at least leaves Fred alone. Came across a coyote and Fred laid on the sidewalk and surrendered his death to the animal. Nice watch dog. I just wonder how to teach this pup sometimes, he seems like such a blockhead. He cannot stand not seeing me, walking out side is torture on him. I think this is normal for some dogs, and I am glad he loves me. I just love having a puppy under my feet and a toddler who doesn't want me to put him down. Gracie who thinks every sound of metal is a can of food..Blizzard who is on the prowl most moments...then there is the fish...ah the fish...
The fish are most difficult. They cannot speak, or signal anything. They come to the top of the tank when you walk near them...are they hungry? or happy to see me? I feed them and its gone in a moment...are they still hungry? Should I feed them more? If I feed them more the water will get dirty and will stress them out..but..am I starving them? Do they like their tank? Are they happy? Is it weird to care about how happy our fish are? Is this typical fin-mothering? I get sad some days that the goldfish are in the babies room where they never see sunlight or people unless its morning or bedtime. Does this make them sad or depressed. They are fish...but how much do we really know about fish emotion? A fish will die from sadness or anxiety..and their growth will blossom in happy environments and they will mate and make fry. So, obviously fish emotion is very important and obviously there...and I optimizing their happiness? Or are they in a lonely world of ...waiting for more.
C sent me a mothers day package. It was paid to arrive on Saturday however it did not arrive. He called me at least four times on Sunday and we Skyped once and every time was the same.. "Did your package come?" Over and over I told him it hadn't, it was okay, and that the mail doesn't run on Sundays. He kept asking, so sad that his package didn't arrive in time. Why doesn't he grasp the concept that the mail does not run on Sunday? I only told him eight times at least and this doesn't count repeating during each call, or message or video call. I felt terrible when he found out it wasn't going to come and he started crying because he was so upset.
Why is being a mother so difficult? Nothing worthwhile is easy I suppose. The thoughts that go through my mind on a daily basis are sometimes hilarious. Sometimes I wonder if anyone heard my thoughts would they think I was going crazy. Maybe I am crazy? Who wonders if their fish are still hungry or if they're depressed? I want to help our Z overcome his fear of these very weird things...and help him overcome his inability to speak. Which..is getting better thankfully. I think it would be an awesome thing if for one day I knew what was going through all of our "children's" minds..cats, dog, fish included. I guess...this is pretty open ended because I am not sure what else to say. Sometimes I wonder why I think the things I think and am I worrying about stupid and unimportant things? Ah who knows haha!
...Guess I am signing out...
Mama Bea
I have always felt like I would make a great 'human' mother. And I think I am. I lose my patience and need a break sometimes but who doesn't? Having three boys isn't easy and sometimes I find myself wondering what goes through their minds. Z having a lack of vocabulary leaves me wondering what's going through his little head. Why does he think the dog is a cow? but then a cow is a cow? Fred, the dog, in no way looks or sounds like a cow. Why is he afraid of Mr. Potato head...is it how he feels? Why was he afraid of a flower yesterday, after I picked it but not before? Weird..no answers.
Why is Fred afraid of Gracie the kitten? Fred could probably eat her in two bites yet she can back him in a corner and make him cry. Blizzard at least leaves Fred alone. Came across a coyote and Fred laid on the sidewalk and surrendered his death to the animal. Nice watch dog. I just wonder how to teach this pup sometimes, he seems like such a blockhead. He cannot stand not seeing me, walking out side is torture on him. I think this is normal for some dogs, and I am glad he loves me. I just love having a puppy under my feet and a toddler who doesn't want me to put him down. Gracie who thinks every sound of metal is a can of food..Blizzard who is on the prowl most moments...then there is the fish...ah the fish...
The fish are most difficult. They cannot speak, or signal anything. They come to the top of the tank when you walk near them...are they hungry? or happy to see me? I feed them and its gone in a moment...are they still hungry? Should I feed them more? If I feed them more the water will get dirty and will stress them out..but..am I starving them? Do they like their tank? Are they happy? Is it weird to care about how happy our fish are? Is this typical fin-mothering? I get sad some days that the goldfish are in the babies room where they never see sunlight or people unless its morning or bedtime. Does this make them sad or depressed. They are fish...but how much do we really know about fish emotion? A fish will die from sadness or anxiety..and their growth will blossom in happy environments and they will mate and make fry. So, obviously fish emotion is very important and obviously there...and I optimizing their happiness? Or are they in a lonely world of ...waiting for more.
C sent me a mothers day package. It was paid to arrive on Saturday however it did not arrive. He called me at least four times on Sunday and we Skyped once and every time was the same.. "Did your package come?" Over and over I told him it hadn't, it was okay, and that the mail doesn't run on Sundays. He kept asking, so sad that his package didn't arrive in time. Why doesn't he grasp the concept that the mail does not run on Sunday? I only told him eight times at least and this doesn't count repeating during each call, or message or video call. I felt terrible when he found out it wasn't going to come and he started crying because he was so upset.
Why is being a mother so difficult? Nothing worthwhile is easy I suppose. The thoughts that go through my mind on a daily basis are sometimes hilarious. Sometimes I wonder if anyone heard my thoughts would they think I was going crazy. Maybe I am crazy? Who wonders if their fish are still hungry or if they're depressed? I want to help our Z overcome his fear of these very weird things...and help him overcome his inability to speak. Which..is getting better thankfully. I think it would be an awesome thing if for one day I knew what was going through all of our "children's" minds..cats, dog, fish included. I guess...this is pretty open ended because I am not sure what else to say. Sometimes I wonder why I think the things I think and am I worrying about stupid and unimportant things? Ah who knows haha!
...Guess I am signing out...
Mama Bea
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
A Recipe in the Making..
Soooo I got the urge the other day to make something delish..so I decided to make brownies with toffee AND caramel!...How could you go wrong with that! I will post the recipe when I get it right. It's not that it was wrong, but since I had never made it before and had to improvise with some of the ingredients and it didn't turn out exactly how I would make it again. None the less...doesn't this look so good?!
I'll keep trying and update when I get it perfect! We're all on the journey together <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
I'll keep trying and update when I get it perfect! We're all on the journey together <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
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