Meet 'Eve' the Elf!

Day 1  -  Welcome to Our Home, Eve!

    I am so excited to start this tradition with the kids. Even with distance between Chris and I - we Skyped and we all decided on the name Eve. She looks sweet but I have a feeling she will be doing some pretty mischievous things! I plan on posting here what she does and maybe help compile some ideas for others!

Day 2 - Swinging

Day two! She's swinging, obviously. This actually is easy but...complicated. Wish I would have known how to get it to sit in the toilet paper roll. I ended up wrapping ge twine around and under each arm. Take the twine and put it through the roll and under each arm...then wrap around and go up to hang it on whatever you want. It's easy..if you know what to do. Otherwise she doesn't stay. Haha...haven't decided what I'm going to do tonight yet! 

A Common Misconception

   I need to clear a few things in the air...because the view people have on me is wrong and I know that it is my fault. I do not disagree with the use of modern medicine. In fact, I am grateful for modern/western medicine and how far science has brought the medical world. I am grateful for medicines to help cure cancer, colds, ear infections, and other serious diseases, viruses and infections. Its come to my attention that some of you think that I am this huge anti-medicine hippy..and that is simply not 100% accurate. So why do I push the natural life? I will tell you...

   I love essential oils and I love how they have helped our family flourish into healthier beings. I love that when someone gets hurt I have an immediate on hand pain reliever. When our toddler cannot sleep - I have a natural sleep aid. When I am stressed, tired, lazy, sick or whatever I happen to be that day - I have something that helps with that too. I love that I have watched healing and witnessed what I could only describe as miracles. Of course my life and health is not perfect..yet, but I know that the path we are traveling now will lead to the healthiest and happiest days of our lives.

   It used to be that when I was stressed so badly that I could not get over the funk I would have to call the doctor and have my Xanax increased. I was in pain everyday from my fibromyalgia, I had headaches - migraines, back pain, and intense panic attacks. My life was miserable..all. the. time. I'd wake up and wonder why at my age did I have to be in so much pain...and I would think to myself "How am I going to live when I am old?" If I am in this much pain now...and then add on top of it the natural pains of aging...I would surely be a crippled, cranky, miserable old lady. I was on multiple medications, supplements and lifestyle paths to try to ease some of my discomforts but the medicine only added to my pain, I hated the side effects and sometimes decided it wasn't worth the relief. It was a trade off...HOW would you like to feel? Yet, both options seemed to be painful and miserable ...so I just gave up.

   Not many people know this about me but I started my college career in medical school. I tested out of all of my prerequisites, and was accepted into Nursing school on the track to become a medical assistant. I took 3 courses and decided that the field wasn't for me. I wanted to help others, and I wanted to be in the health field but in those three courses I learned more than my fair share of the negatives that medicines can do to our bodies. I also decided that I would be mentally unable to deal with giving patients treatments that I did not believe in. So I took a leap, and changed paths to where my true passion was..Marketing. I enrolled into college in 2010 as a business major. It was the best decision I ever made for myself, at the time. I still wanted to help people but I knew that I could not help them with their health, so I wanted to become an entrepreneur. My goal - to open and run a 100% self sustaining business...would this be possible? I don't really know..yet.

  Anyways, back to natural living. Another time in my life that a lot of people do not know about is my drug and alcohol infested teens and early 20's. To ease the pain I'd drink, smoke dope, take copious amounts of Xanax, percocets, Vicodin and whatever other medicine I could get my hands on. One of the biggest wake up calls in my lifetime was early 2010 right before I moved from Ohio to New Hampshire. I was in intense pain, crying and so stressed. I was ready to go, ready to just end it all. So, while my son was his Nana's visiting for the night I took a few Xanax, a Flexeril (muscle relaxer), an Oxycontin (a strong pain reliever) and washed it down with about six back to back shots of 1800 Tequila. I don't remember much of anything after doing that..except waking up on the floor several hours later in a puddle of my own drool. I lay on the floor and cried..who had I become? So desperate to feel nothing, no pain, no anxiety and no twitches in my body that I resorted to something that could probably of killed me. What about Christopher? Did he deserve this? ..no, but neither did I. That was my defining moment - health wise. I stopped taking pain medicine unless I needed it and could not bare the pain anymore. I decided to take less Xanax, less medicine all together and I decided I was going to get healthy...but, nothing changed INSIDE my body so I went on with my life in pain and being miserable. During this time I also went through a very nasty divorce, a new relationship, moving 1,000 miles away from where I had called home for my entire life, a new path in school, and working with my son, Christopher and his autism. For almost two years I was a completely upside down person. I was angry or confused...or hurt..or lonely? I don't know...I did feel alone in the world, and I lashed out on the very few people that loved me.  The man that held me at night and told me it was going to be okay was the person who took the most of my anger. He was confused and hurt because he did nothing to deserve what I was giving him and I was so depressed over life and the pain I went through everyday that I was unable to explain to him that it wasn't him. I would find things that made me emotionally upset but I would turn it into something more than it was. I was crazy..a woman on a rampage.

     It hurt and it still hurts to think about how I acted but I have to let that go...I know it wasn't me, the real me. The pain and stress was unbearable at times and I would fall behind on life. Pain led to anger which led to depression and more pain and more anger. I was sick, my brain was sick and my body was slowly murdering itself with pain. I'd take so much medicine to try to make the pain go away but it never worked and little did I know that I was adding to my dismay.

     Early in 2014, an old friend came back into my life in the strangest of ways. I would complain about pain on Facebook and complain about having another headache or that today I couldn't walk. Jane would leave comments on my status and then disappear for another week. Comments like "I need to help you, I have an oil" or "I have these healing oils...lets chat". I didn't ignore her..exactly..but I was busy being in pain and I really didn't know what the hell she was talking about. So, we scheduled a time - eventually - to chat and get together via Skype. It was an amazing chat and we spoke alot about these healing oils...interesting thought, an oil that can help with pain and headaches, stress and infections. Interesting...indeed. So, I jumped on board and ordered the Home Essentials Kit. A few days later I'm looking at these bottles of oil wondering what in the world I got myself into. So that is where I started..exactly where you are - ready for change, ready for a new life? I started not even knowing what an essential oil was and they changed this skeptics life.

    So about medicines. Do I use medicines? You can bet your butt I use medicines. What mother in their right mind would let a child suffer through an ear infection if it seems the oils aren't working? What mother would let their child suffer from an infection if the oils are not seeming to be enough? The oils are so powerful, so complex that we, or at least I, just do not understand the entire complexity of them. I will go to medicines and I am so grateful that they are there. If I go to the hospital, I will not deny medicine unless I know I can. Our thought - Use medicine when necessary but replace as much as you can with nature. We now do not have to go to the doctor except as a last resort. There are many medical problems that we just do not suffer with anymore...Our oldest used to get nose bleeds...after using lemon and lavender three times he hasn't had once since...its been about a year. My stress level is 90% lower, our nonverbal autistic toddler can speak, I'm recently cancer free,  my pain is 80% decreased and I sleep with no sleep aides...not even an oil based sleep aid....I could not list the ways my life has changed without sitting here writing for a week straight. It's just so insane and amazing and I am grateful every single day for the essential oils and natural product knowledge that I have gained. And I am so grateful that my journey has led me on a path that not only allows me to practice business and marketing which I passionately love but also my desire to be in the healthcare field, teaching and inspiring others with treatments and knowledge that I 100% believe in.

   So in summation...we do believe in medicines. We do USE medicines...but its not our first option, and it is our last resort. We love the natural life and we try to be as natural as can be. The truth is..that I just do not know how to be completely 100% natural and I am happy with that. We are rest assured knowing that the chemical load we are putting in our bodies and our children's bodies has drastically decreased and we are going to live longer and healthier as a result. The chemicals, metals and toxins that I have put in my body over the years are slowly leaving...giving me more energy and brain power and I am happy with that.



    So, what is your reason to make a change? Are you tired of living in pain and stress? Looking for an extra income while helping others? I want to teach you what I know...let me show you how your life can change with not only doTERRA, but with other natural alternatives. Email me if you'd like to chat! <3 Beavanhook@gmail.com

With a warm heart and oily hands -
Bea

Please note: Products mentioned in this article have not been evaluated by the FDA. These products and information on this page are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. This website is not a substitute for professional care. If you have or suspect you may have a medical, psychological, or psychiatric problem, or a disability that requires medical attention, then you should consult your licensed medical doctor or appropriate health care provider. Always consult your medical doctor regarding your medical care. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.

I'm stuck in a Brain Rut

   Ahhhh! From time to time I get in this rut...hard to explain. I think it's actually partially a Fibro flare up but I am not sure. This time, however, it's even worse because the Chemo I recently underwent makes it hard for me to snap out of it. I get into this intense slump and cannot seem to catch up with anything. I did do some crafting the other day which was refreshing..but mindless. Anything that takes brain power has been a no-no and it's driving me insane. I am having a hard time with actually getting up and doing things..my hands are like lead tapping along on this keyboard telling you how my brain feels at this moment. 11am and I want to sleep. I want to veg on the couch into a mindless potato and do nothing. But, with kids and life...I am only able to skip out on some things and even then I am giving myself more work in the future.
    The sad thing is, that in one part of my brain I know I have things to do and things I want to do. I have laundry, housework, a newsletter to write, a campaign I should be pushing (more on that later..I think/hope) and other things I need to be getting done..but here I am....and I can't find the strength to get off this chair and do something. I hate it, its probably the worse side effect of life, ever...brain fog. How do I get out of this rut..first, I know I need to be using my oils but sometimes when I get in these moods I am too lazy to even use them..which is sad, because I know if I do - they will help. Self mutilation...brain style.  I have so much to write for you...to tell you, to teach you...I just need to get up and do it. Ugh..

End Vent.

Getting a Toddler Dressed when You're Late...

I woke up around 6:00a the other day and was annoyed that somehow I set my alarm on my cell wrong and it woke me up so damn early. I didn't have to be up until 7:15a. I fell back asleep and set my alarm for 7:00a. I woke up promptly at my desired awakening time and realized (somehow, in my sleep, can you do that?) that I was wrong about when I needed to wake up and 7:15 was the time I needed to leave the house and not the time I needed to wake up. Frantic and without coffee I get up and start getting dressed. I'm quick, I can pull on yoga pants and a shirt quick....but there is another human that I must wake for this early day is for his allergy appointment which is about an hour drive away. So, I thought I'd share the wonderful process of getting Zachary dressed when we are running late, like really late...it takes special parents ...it really does :) 

Step One - Preparing for Success: Before you attempt to wake up the sleeping toddler human, you need to collect your thoughts, get clothes together and make sure the diaper bag is packed. These things will save you valuable seconds and help you speed up the process getting out of the door. You want to make sure you have cereal or fruit in a to-go cup as a peace offing to the child who will be angry with you for skipping out before morning cartoons. 

Step Two - The Awakening: Loudly and with the most exciting voice you can muster..jump into the toddlers room. Yell "(insert child's name)! time to wake up, you're missing all the fun!". This part is really easy. No toddler wants to be sleeping at 7:03am, are you fricking serious. This shouldn't even be a step, or maybe it should just be the end of step one. Ok, this is now step one, part two. 

Step Two (the real step two) - The Diaper: Now that you have awaken the human toddler you can begin the process of dressing said toddler. Typically this will start with removing the nighttime diaper and putting on a new one. You have two choices: 1) hold the human down and make the rest of the day miserable because you made him change his diaper before HE was ready to do that or 2) bribe him with an m&m at 7:04a. Pick your battles, mom. 

 "Hey, let's change your diaper buddy!". He says no. "Mommy is in a big hurry, come here". He says no. Why do I think telling him I'm in a hurry will help anyways? "Oh, I found an m&m" he says "oh ok!" 

Step Three - Shirt and Pants: The key here is to make the process quick and painless. Don't give the toddler enough time to even look at the clothes. PERIOD. This is essential to your success. If they see that you forgot to wash their favorite Thomas shirt..then it's over. You've lost. From this moment on, you're in super speed mode. Get that toddler dressed! 

Step Four - The Socks: Ok, you're tired and it was before coffee when you grabbed the socks. Understandably so, you grabbed one blue car sock and a green plane sock. If your child is like our child...then this is a huge problem. How can you get yourself out of this? 1) Ignore his comments and let him ask over and over and over and over and over and over and over why they're different and he will whine and complain about his socks not matching...all morning. He will also bring it up in five years as a 'remember the time you couldn't even match my socks right?!' Moment...probably in front of his teachers or somewhere important. Or you can do 2) tell him the blue sock needed a friend and the green sock can along to save the day! Have the socks talk to each other for about .08 seconds max. Now, he will talk to his feet and socks all day...but it won't be crying. This will take some major convincing ...but I believe in you, mom, you can do it! 

"Oh this blue sock needed a friend ;(" he comes over, 'aww green friend sock'. He loses, I win but he doesn't have to know that...but I know that and im feeling pretty good by this point. 7:09a. 

Step Five - Nearing the End: so by now, your toddler is awake. He/she is dressed and you have snacks for the go. All this in a 10 minute or less time frame with no coffee. You rock, mom. You rock. 

Now, for boys shoes are usually easy. For Zachary, though, we need to run our shoes through various tests to ensure they are of standard enough to make it through the morning. For each shoe we ensure the highest quality of testing..., does the Velcro stick? Do the lights work when you hit the bottom with your hand? The floor? Moms leg? The table? The other shoe? Do the lights blink fast enough? What is this spot? Shouldn't be there. Clean it. Re-test lighting system....and then allow for the shoe to be placed on each foot with grace. Then the shoe needs tested a third time. The toddler stands, dances, kicks random things throughout the living room. What is this spot here? Clean it. Done. 7:16a. 

Step Six - Getting out of the house, and into the Car: Seems simple right? Wrong. When you're the mother of a toddler, nothing is simple. In order to get out of the house we have to make a huge descion. One that could change the entire outcome of the day....should we take Thomas and Hiro or two cars? You will find that your toddler will try to break your two toy rule and hold three cars and smile big. Don't fall into the trap mom. You're late, but you're going to be even later when you're trying to keep track of more than two toys and he is dropping them everywhere. Hold your ground! 

    Getting into the car is two fold and depends on how well you were able to get out of the house. If he is still upset about leaving behind the third wheel, it could be more difficult. Elbow over the stomach, blocking his ability to escape and shove that toddler into the seat. He will fight, he will scream, but he will not win. Get out of the car, it's 7:20a...pretty good but still late. 

Your tiny human is upset and screaming at you for whatever reason. Take a moment and pay yourself in the back. If you go .5 miles faster than the last time you went to the doctors office you'll make it on time. Your toddler is dressed, clean, and you held your ground with toy limits. The light up shoes are working and up to toddler par. You did well. 

You know, it takes a special person to not go crazy when getting a toddler dressed for a late appointment. But, that's part of being a mom. I wouldn't change our boys for anything and through the chaos and looking back they do pretty well. Now to top off the morning...remember that peace offering of food? Mows the time to use it. Hand back that cup of their favorite breakfast alternative and rock on knowing you're awesome. 

I'm Happy You Were Born

    Ah, where to begin. My youngest son is two today. I woke up this morning like every other morning except..I officially do not have a baby anymore. Z woke up oblivious to the fact that he was another year older and was just focused on wanting to wear a Thomas the Train shirt that is way too big. Picking my battles.  I remember when Christopher turned two, he wore a special "I'm two" outfit and was dressed to the nines from head to toe. He was dirty in 30 minutes and hated being dirty. There went that outfit. I didn't even attempt to dress Z special for his special day..he's special enough without some fancy outfit I'll put on him once.

    Zachary, I am so happy you exist. I am so happy you were born, so blessed that you took your first breathe of air only after residing in my womb for over 9 months. The moment I felt that first flutter of movement in my belly was the beginning of the never ending movement of your body. You never rest, even now. The flips, and turns and twirling. The jumping and running and rolling around...it's you. From the moment I felt you, it was you. You have taught me that love is endless. You have taught me that even when I feel I can fight no more, I can. I will be here for you forever, you are always my baby and I am always your mommy. Being your mother has been the absolute greatest joy and I am so very blessed to have you as mine. Over the past two years I have felt the heartache of learning about your seizures and going through yet another autism diagnosis. I felt like giving up so many times..but how do you give up? You cannot..and you got me through that, my little Z. I love you to the moon and alllll the way to the bottom of the deepest ocean and allll the way back to the moon!

    I always feel so nostalgic on birthdays. I hope for the future that each year he grows just as much as the last, that his blessings in life multiply and only get bigger. I cannot imagine what this next year will hold but I only hope for the best. <3 <3

Little Z is two. 

He knows his ABC's

He can say about 70 words

He knows a ton of bugs and animals by pointing

He knows about 20 signs for words

He knows the colors red, blue, green, yellow, black and purple
He dislikes sleeping, sitting still and sour tastes
He loves trains, cars and airplanes
He loves sports like soccer, throwing balls and golf
He loves books, learning games and his iPad

Z drinks from an open faced cup

Z is officially weaned as of about 2 weeks ago

Happy Birthday Z

Mommy Lovesss you!

What's Eating Christopher Aaron

Me and Z

   Christopher has been asking me a lot about Autism lately. He hears the word, he knows he has Autism but he really isn't sure what it is. I answer the best I can but he always seems to take me the wrong way and I have trouble explaining myself. Today has been a pretty laid back day so I decided to flip on Netflix and watch movies with the boys. I honestly had never saw "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" so decided not only did I want to see the classic anyways, but I thought it would be good for Christopher to watch it also. Not only from the Autistic side of things but because its a story of hope, love and compassion.
      The first scene of the movie where Arnie was waiting on the campers to come down the road; the scene where Arnie is yelling in excitement waiting..that is the moment I was reminded how beautiful my son really is. He looked at me and...

Chris "Mommy, which one has Autism?"
Me "The one yelling and excited about the campers"
Chris "Why do they say he has Autism?"
Me "Well, his behavior and other things..."
Chris "I feel like yelling sometimes when I am excited, too!"
Me "Yeah?"
Chris "Yeah, but you know...I still don't see anything wrong with him. I don't see the Autism, do you?"

    I am not sure why this moment hit me like a ton of bricks but it did. He doesn't see the autism. Throughout the movie he was confused as to why I said this was a movie about autism. He noticed what Arnie did, and how he acted but just said "Well, he's upset" or "Well, Gilbert hit him", "It's okay to be afraid of water". Too many times we see autism, or other disorders and not often enough to we just see one singular emotion. Arnie was autistic, but was it autism that made him afraid of water? No, Gilbert left him all night in water...that is why he was afraid of water. Everyday when he yells or talks loud, doesn't want to eat, has that little sassy attitude that drives me nuts I find myself trying to remind myself that he is autistic and maybe he cannot help it.
   When Christopher was diagnosed with Autism six years ago I dealt with it fairly well. I listened to the doctors, researched and advocated for my son as much as I could and more. When Z was diagnosed with Autism I felt like my world had come crashing down. I was more than happy to advocate and work with Christopher, the struggles were worth it, they were pretty much not even an option but that doesn't mean it wasn't hard and that I would jump up and volunteer to do it again. Yet here I found myself seven years later in a similar situation. Some days when I just look at them I feel sad. They are so different but they have this one thing, this one BIG thing in common - Autism. Watching Gilbert handle his brother, his frustration and love, was so inspiring to me. Obviously, my kids are on a much higher level of functioning than Arnie was and this also was something I was grateful for.
    When Christopher did not notice anything different about Arnie my mind went into a deeper level of thought than it had in a while. I felt this love that was hidden under my impatience and frustration and then I felt sad, sad that I even felt frustration. Looking from the outside into a movie seems silly but for me it was a huge eye opener. I wonder how confused my kids feel when I yell at them for something they cannot control or for emotions and actions that they can't help or don't understand themselves. If I was inside their minds when I asked them "what is wrong with you?" or "What were you thinking when you did that!", I wonder what I would see or feel. I wonder if it would hurt or if they would feel anger. I wonder if when they say they don't know why they do something, if they really mean it. I wonder if they say they can't do something or can't eat or say something if they really cannot.

Chris and I

         I think the biggest thing I took from him not seeing autism is me seeing their autism. Everyday, every hour I see it. When I take a picture and have to convince Christopher to look at the screw on the front of my camera to make it not sound like looking at my face...I see autism. When he talks like he has a megaphone attached to his mouth 24/7 ...I hear autism. When Z cannot say what he wants, or explain how he feels...I hear autism. When Z gets upset and bangs his head so hard that he bruises, yet doesn't seem to mind...I see autism. The question I ask myself now is...Why am I not seeing my kids?! Why do I instantly think autism? To them, this is not autism but this is them. To them their emotions are not autism, it is their emotions, it is them.
         I challenge myself and I challenge everyone else to stop seeing autism. Let's see the person, lets see them. I do not want to explain that my son has bruises on his forehead because he has autism, I want to just say he has bruises because that's Z. And I want that explanation to be enough. I don't want to explain that Christopher has autism and that is why the cook at a restaurant cannot have a single pepper speck showing on his chicken strip, I want to just say he's upset because there is a speck of pepper on his chicken and Christopher doesn't like that. And I want that explanation to be enough.  Even though when I look at my kids I see autism and I hear autism, I need to also see them and not assume all of their little personality quirks are always autism. Hell, maybe my kids are just more like me than I give them credit for and they are just weird.
     I always have trouble ending a post. I never know how to end something so open-ended. I guess I can add to my thoughts later, but wanted to get out how I was feeling now. I love that when least expected I get hit hard right in the heart. I need these moments because these are what gets mothers like me through to the next day. Autism isn't easy, parenting isn't easy, and being Christopher and Z's mom definitely isn't easy. But let me tell you...it is worth every exhausting second of it. It's worth every drop in gas spent on going to social group, every early morning waking up for speech therapy, and every extra hour it takes to explain something that a 'normal' child would understand in one sentence. It's worth it not because they have autism but because they are Christopher and Z and I am the luckiest mother in the world simply because of them.

    So what's eating Christopher Aaron?...apparently, nothing is.

On being a 'Photo-Parent' *Pic Heavy*

    I cannot tell you the countless times people have admired the images I have taken (or J has taken) of our children. People always comment on how our kids are lucky to have photographer parents and that they must be pros by now so taking a really great image of them isn't really that difficult. This post, this one right here...the one you are reading..I am writing to debunk the theory that it is easy to take pictures of our children. Because in reality..it is anything but easy.

    I got the idea in my mind to do a super cute, very boyish photo shoot of our youngest boy, Z since he will be turning the big 2 next week. This is how it went...a story through pictures.

Here is the outfit I chose for him, cute right?

He would not sit still, this ball was the exception in the pictures I was willing to make at first

Classic...what are you doing mama?

.......

And a visit from the puppy...

Z thinks he looks better with his vest half on...

And now, for some reason he thinks it's time to play sleep!

Surprise Mom! I tricked you, I wasn't sleeping!

Hey mama, take a picture of my ball! (This is me catching him throwing the ball at me...)

This orchid leaf didn't taste as expected....

Ut Oh...Mama's not smiling ...

.....Better look cute for a second!

She keeps saying "Look, Z!" So I will look at the wall...hehe

I am so funny!

....

.....

Oh, she said do not touch the strobe cord...I'll have to ignore that

Lil' Stinker

This giggle, the entire time, is what makes being a photo-mom worth it. Even though it takes hours to get the shot you really adore...looking at your 'outtakes' and remembering the moments during your photoshoot is really what you will remember. Every single one of these pictures shows our little Z's personality and I would not change him for anything. He is so obnoxious, and so independent...and our little man is going to be two <3

Z

My "Motherly" Thoughts

    Being a mother to me is more than being the person who carried a child in my womb for nine months. I consider a mother the woman who takes care of anything in a parental way. They teach, direct, discipline, and love whoever or whatever it is that they are mothering. When I say that I am the mother of my puppy, our cats, our fish..it's because I really think I am. I am their adopted mother. I am caring for them, teaching them, feeding them etc. So yesterday, I was thinking about being the mother of the house and decided to write about being a mother, and the crazy thoughts that go through my mind in any given day. You might think I am weird, but I don't care haha!

    I have always felt like I would make a great 'human' mother. And I think I am. I lose my patience and need a break sometimes but who doesn't? Having three boys isn't easy and sometimes I find myself wondering what goes through their minds. Z having a lack of vocabulary leaves me wondering what's going through his little head. Why does he think the dog is a cow? but then a cow is a cow? Fred, the dog, in no way looks or sounds like a cow. Why is he afraid of Mr. Potato head...is it how he feels? Why was he afraid of a flower yesterday, after I picked it but not before? Weird..no answers.
   Why is Fred afraid of Gracie the kitten? Fred could probably eat her in two bites yet she can back him in a corner and make him cry. Blizzard at least leaves Fred alone. Came across a coyote and Fred laid on the sidewalk and surrendered his death to the animal. Nice watch dog. I just wonder how to teach this pup sometimes, he seems like such a blockhead. He cannot stand not seeing me, walking out side is torture on him. I think this is normal for some dogs, and I am glad he loves me. I just love having a puppy under my feet and a toddler who doesn't want me to put him down. Gracie who thinks every sound of metal is a can of food..Blizzard who is on the prowl most moments...then there is the fish...ah the fish...
    The fish are most difficult. They cannot speak, or signal anything. They come to the top of the tank when you walk near them...are they hungry? or happy to see me? I feed them and its gone in a moment...are they still hungry? Should I feed them more? If I feed them more the water will get dirty and will stress them out..but..am I starving them? Do they like their tank? Are they happy? Is it weird to care about how happy our fish are? Is this typical fin-mothering? I get sad some days that the goldfish are in the babies room where they never see sunlight or people unless its morning or bedtime. Does this make them sad or depressed. They are fish...but how much do we really know about fish emotion? A fish will die from sadness or anxiety..and their growth will blossom in happy environments and they will mate and make fry. So, obviously fish emotion is very important and obviously there...and I optimizing their happiness? Or are they in a lonely world of ...waiting for more.
    C sent me a mothers day package. It was paid to arrive on Saturday however it did not arrive. He called me at least four times on Sunday and we Skyped once and every time was the same.. "Did your package come?" Over and over I told him it hadn't, it was okay, and that the mail doesn't run on Sundays. He kept asking, so sad that his package didn't arrive in time. Why doesn't he grasp the concept that the mail does not run on Sunday? I only told him eight times at least and this doesn't count repeating during each call, or message or video call.  I felt terrible when he found out it wasn't going to come and he started crying because he was so upset.
   Why is being a mother so difficult? Nothing worthwhile is easy I suppose. The thoughts that go through my mind on a daily basis are sometimes hilarious. Sometimes I wonder if anyone heard my thoughts would they think I was going crazy. Maybe I am crazy? Who wonders if their fish are still hungry or if they're depressed? I want to help our Z overcome his fear of these very weird things...and help him overcome his inability to speak. Which..is getting better thankfully. I think it would be an awesome thing if for one day I knew what was going through all of our "children's" minds..cats, dog, fish included. I guess...this is pretty open ended because I am not sure what else to say. Sometimes I wonder why I think the things I think and am I worrying about stupid and unimportant things? Ah who knows haha!

...Guess I am signing out...
Mama Bea

    

What women need.

When I wake up in the morning the first thing I need to do is walk Fred,  our 12 week old basset Hound puppy.  Then I need to brush my teeth, then obviously I need coffee. Then I need to make sure there is enough water in the coffee pot for J to have coffee. I need to make sure I didn't forget to turn on the dishwasher because heaven knows I'm so forgetful. I needed to wake up J.

Throughout the day and weeks I need more and more. I need to work out. I need a new purse or something for class. I need to catch up on editing pictures for or clients ori need to do homework or write an article. The list is never ending of things I need to do. Need to take care of the kids,  found time for a shower,  bathe the dog,  dishes,  laundry,  make sure everyone has full bellies. ..On and on. ..

Why,  I wonder. Why is it so hard to express when we really honestly need something for ourselves?  Something not materialistic. Something much deeper.  We wait until is to late and we are suffering in an empty room in our minds wondering what went wrong or wishing we hadn't made the mistake that stayed the down hill affect you're suffering through. We cannot say we need love. We need forgiven for whatever we did. Why is it so hard to ask for intimacy or a date. Or help around the house for no reason. Why is it difficult to admit sometimes we need to not act our age,  and to be playful and young. We need pushed against a Wall and we need our breath taken away.

Why wait until we are so desperate and so far gone?  To where is beyond a need and now something so strongly desired. It's hard being a woman. So emotional and weak. Yet we are strong. Even in our weakest moments we make it, we survive. We lock these needs away and they only come out when it's turning into resentment,  sadness and depression and worry and wonder as to if we are good enough for our man. Are we pretty enough?  We feel tired all the time but. .. Are we doing enough?  The kids are fed with clean clothes and yet we wonder. .. Are we doing okay?  Are we giving enough?  Then late at night when everyone is so peacefully sleeping. .. You're blogging. Because you feel you give and give and give to the world. The world takes what it wants and you always let it,  because that's what's expected. You ask for what you need. But you never ask for what you really need,  what you long for or desire. And you cry. . And wonder if things will ever be different. You wonder if life will be like this forever.  You wonder if you will ever be forgiven,  honestly forgiven.  But to be held accountable for your mistakes any longer. And you realize that all you need is. .. Nothing.  Tomorrow you will wake up,  and walk the dog. You'll brush your teeth and make coffee. The day will go on like usual and then when the night comes. .. You'll realize again what you really need. .. and you'll cry,  and be sad and worry that you're not good enough for this world,  and you're not cut out for this job. But I am,  and I need sleep so tomorrow I can be okay. 

An Update on Life

Life has been a roller coaster of events this year. From losing an uncle, to the baby being diagnosed with Autism..it's just been crazy. So much has been going on and sometimes I feel like I am at my breaking point. But, I have a good support system at home and that always helps keep me above the waterline and safe from drowning. I have gotten some emails recently asking me to just post about life and how I manage it all and the truth is...I don't exactly know how I do it. My education is not hard for me, most of the courses I take come really easy for me, but that is not uncommon for me. I have a photographic memory so while reading or studying, things tend to come back pretty easy. Since having Z though, I feel my memory has gotten worse and sometimes I wonder if its because I went so long without getting vaccines and in the last two years I have gotten two. That's another story though.

 I have 20 drafts awaiting me to finish and post and I just keep thinking of all the things I want to post for you all, and myself. My life has always taken sudden changes in directions but recently I think I have found the path that I really want to take. I don't quite understand it yet, but I am learning. I started getting into essential oils when a friend recommended them. I was 100% skeptic and sometimes still am. I believe that skepticism is a normal human behavior but, my life was changed with the use of them. I've become almost obsessed with finding an answer using the oils rather than the traditional way to do things, I feel my family will benefit from this. Anyways that is not what this post is about, this post actually really has no purpose haha!

It's almost spring time here in New Hampshire, the birds sometimes come out now. I am so ready for the ice and snow to be gone and to plant flowers and have dinner outside. I cannot wait to put the pool up for the kids and watch them swim. Last year Z did not like the pool, hopefully this year is different. I am also only taking one class next term, I have gotten tired of classes and overwhelmed with work, home and just everything. So, it was a mutual decision for J and I for me to drop down to one class, to save my sanity! I need the break and I am welcoming it. This means I should have more time to blog this summer as well, hopefully. I have a bunch of gluten free on the grill recipes I have been wanting to try. And also spring time gluten free desserts, smoothies and dinner ideas. I really want to get back to cooking, it's something that I really enjoy. Plus, J got me this amazing spice rack for Christmas and I have yet to use it past the basic oregano, thyme, rosemary, parsley and garlic spices. So I am excited to experiment with some new spices as well. Is there anything you would like to see me attempt?

Not sure if I had posted before about my presidency through Autism Speaks U, Kaplan University. We had a large event last Tuesday and I think it went well. We were able to raise quite a bit of money for Autism research and my heart swells with heartfelt thanks to those who opened their wallets for the cause. The month is not over yet, so hopefully more come! And fundraising isn't limited to April. I love advocating for Autism. When I teach each month in meetings and such I feel so passionate about what I am saying, the same goes for when I am just talking about it. It's such a humbling feeling knowing the words that I am speaking is going somewhere, being spread and making a change in the world.

Well, not much more to say I guess. Going to be writing some posts on detox baths, oil pulling or lack thereof, new recipes soon, a review on Jamberry Nails, and more info on Essential oils most likely. I would also love to introduce you to my new adventures in the books I am writing, I think a lot of people will find it a very interesting study.

But for now, live successfully, live happy and live with purpose!

Bea

Sunday Funday

   How is everyone this week? I've been busy busy busy! This is a busy but exciting week for me. I have meetings for Autism Speaks and CEO this week. I am getting my essential oils kit this week as well! The most important thing that is happening is Z, our toddler, is getting his Autism Speech evaluation this week. He's already approved for the programs but we need to see where he is at developmentally to see where to start and how many times a week he needs therapy. The doctor had already suggested three times a week but we will see. Right now he has 3 words (Apple. Car, and Eat). At 19 months old he should have a lot more, especially considering he doesn't "ask" for an apple. A car or to eat. He will point to an apple or a car to eat though, so that's good.

    As for the oils, I am really excited to just I'm general try them. I am in pain and exhausted daily so I won't have to wait for an opportunity to use them and I think that is what excites me most...the thought of being pain free or minimal pain just sounds incredible to me. I've hurt so very long. Being in pain all the time is exhausting and I always feel like I coud crash. Some people ask me how I do it all - family, work, school, etc and honestly I don't know how I do it sometimes. I am hoping that these oils help counter the affects of well, my life. I cannot wait to see if this oil helps. 

    I have 'plans' to make homemade laundry detergent this week, and get my cloth diapers stripped, also recruit a few gals to be on my doTERRA team. Besides all my school work, we have basketball this week, three shoots, and I plan on trying a Gluten Free granola crunch bite recipe...and post most of it here. Haha! We will see how it goes!!! 

A Letter to my Boys

Dear Christopher and Zachary,
         My dear boys, Christopher..you are beyond handsome, intelligent, so bright and determined...I love you so much, I am sorry. Zachary..my how mommy loves you so. Such a miracle, so beautiful and on the go, you're perfect in every way possible, I am sorry.
         I'm so sorry for the world mommy brought you into. All the bad you'll have to learn and see. I am sorry I can't protect you from the violence and hatred that you'll grow up hearing about, seeing on the television, reading about online...I'm so very sorry.
          I look into your deep dark brown eyes, and your bold bright blue eyes and I am saddened by the thought of that the innocence I see there being taken by anything. I never want you to be corrupted by the world, by the people in the world, by all the bad that happens. I know..these things seem inevitable but I pray each and every day that I raise you to know that although bad things happen there are always good people in the world..and you are one of them.
           I want you to stand up for yourselves, but I am sorry that you'll have to.  I want you to fight for what you believe in, but I am sorry that you'll ever have to give reason for your beliefs. I want you to protect your children, and yourselves but, I am sorry that you even have to think about how you will protect your family. I am so sorry.
          I want to vow to you, my beautiful perfect children, to fight for you. To fight for your rights, for your freedoms. I vow to do everything in my power to make sure you're taken care of medically, financially, emotionally and another other way you need mama to. I vow to love you unconditionally even when you do things I disapprove of. I love you, that will never ever change. I am so sorry for all you will see, hear, or experience. I am sorry that you will have to learn the hard way through life.
          With all the bad you will see, hear about or experience I promise there will be so many things making life worth while. College, children, experiences you'll have will make you so thankful you are alive. When you look into your children's eyes for the first time, I promise you will forget the bad, you'll forget all the hatred in the world and all you will feel is love. The same love I feel every time I look into your eyes. When you graduate high school and go on to College, you'll feel accomplished. When you buy your first car, or home..you'll feel rich. When you marry the woman of your dreams you will feel as if you've won the lottery.
          I guess what I am saying, my beautiful little men, is don't focus on the world as a whole. There will always be war, hatred, and crime. This is the devastating truth of our existence. Focus on what is important. Your family, your success, your world is what you want it to be. I am sorry for all the bad that will be around you, but I am not sorry to be able to witness you grow up and be the incredible people I know you will be.

I love you to the Moon and around the sun and back,

I am your Mommy and you are my son's.

Mommy <3
        


 

Christopher's Birth Story...8 years late

I guess I never saw the importance of writing down your birth story but recently I have felt compelled to jot it down before I get old, and lose my mind even more and not remember it at all. ...I am getting there..trust me.  So here is my first born son's birth story, a bit late.

It was the year 2005, and I didn't have a home phone. The apartments that I lived at had a payphone and I used that phone to set my doctors appointments and call family when I could. My mother worked about 20 yards away from where I lived so I visited her when she was at work or walked across town to her house. I was pregnant and so excited to meet my new baby and go on this new journey in my life. It was a dream of mine since I was a tiny girl to be a mommy and this tiny baby in my belly was going to make my dreams come true. Christopher was going to be the first boy born in my family since a cousin 9 years earlier. My due date was May 5th.

On Valentines Day I received a letter in the mail from my Doctor's office. The letter was in concern with my urine test that I had the week prior. I found .50 cents and called the office and they said I had high levels of protein in my urine and they wanted to see me immediately and I did not need an appointment. There was no further explanation and to be frank...the nurse scared the shit out of me. I called a friend, Chris, to come take me to the doctor's office.

When I walked in they noticed me immediately, and took me straight back to do another urine test. Then I waited, and waited, and waited. When the doctor came into the room I could see the concern on his face. He looked at the rest of my chart information and then preceded to tell me that I had Toxemia and would not be going home. He handed me admission papers to the hospital and told me to go the maternity ward.  So...here starts my long stay in the hospital.

As the weeks past I started to gain water weight and lots of it. When the protein in my urine kept rising they discussed the possibility of taking the baby early, but would have to transfer him to Dayton - over an hour away and I had no car - because he would be extremely premature. The goal...KEEP THE BABY IN AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.

March 15th - First attempt at induction. The Doctor decided it was best for the baby to come. My kidneys were failing and I had stopped urinating completely. I could not walk from the swelling and I was in a lot of pain. They tried multiple medications to induce the labor but nothing worked. 2 bags of Pitocin..and nothing but mild contractions. The next day they decided to let him wait a few more days and see if maybe my body would cooperate then.

Everytime they changed my IV, they would miss. They couldn't even feel my veins anymore. They would attempt, miss, attempt, miss..until they called in a specialist and after he/she missed 4 or 5 times and I was extremely pissed off they got the IV in. This was an every 3 day thing for the duration of my stay. 

March 18th - Second attempt at induction. Here we go again. Same attempts, same medications. Same outcome. Now we wait again....I am in so much pain. I can't move without hurting. I can't even wiggle my toes and I have lost all ability to naturally reflex. At this point I am very concerned with how I am feeling. They are juicing me with medication because literately my body does not want this baby in me and is fighting like he was an infection. I was so exhausted..

March 27th - Easter 2005 - Third Attempt at induction. This time they explained they were going to use more drastic measures to get the baby out. They used medication in my cervix to soften and help it thin out. They used high doses of Pitocin. The nurse said she had worked for 28 years as a nurse and had never seen Pitocin not cause contractions on a woman....until me. Nothing was working and I was feeling pretty worn out and wondering if this was even worth it. Then...an advancement. In the middle of the night my water broke. At this point I knew..I was going to have a baby. The thought of a c-section had never crossed my mind and I began trying to rest for pushing time.

After 14 hours of hard-enough labor I had only dilated to a 2 and wasn't advancing anymore. Then my heart rate started to drop a bit and so did Christopher's. They came in and said if I did not have the baby by 3pm they were going to have to take me in to have a c-section. So at that point I called my family, my then-husband from work and a few select friends. This was it - really it. I was going to have a baby...today.
Here is how I remember the next few hours...within 10 minutes of being told I would be taken to c-section at 3 (which was 3 hours away) the room filled up with blue masked people. "We need to take the baby now" and they were all scattering around getting me ready for surgery. It was a haze. They needed to do an epidural to take me in but the anesthesiologist couldn't see my spine from water retention.  She missed, and missed and missed a total of 6 times. Then the nurse blew my IV..and had to put my IV in again..while they were giving me the epi. I was terrified.

They look me into C-section and 5 minutes later I freaked out. I yelled at the doctor "Did you just cut me??" The look on his face was pure horror. He called for another dose of epidural. I still felt him cutting me. I couldn't move and it hurt so bad. I was crying and shaking and afraid for my life. The doctor told the anesthesiologist to knock me out...I stopped him. I wanted to hear my baby cry. I wanted to see him. I said I was fine, I lied. Then they said "Here comes baby boy!" and I waited and waited..isn't he suppose to cry? Aren't I suppose to see him? Where is he? Then I seen him. My tiny 5 pound baby..he was limp in the nurses arms, no one was smiling, he was completely lifeless and blue. It took about 10 minutes to get him up to where he should be with breathing. I heard a tiny cry..short...tiny...but enough.

Later, I found out his hips were lodged under my ribs. They vacuumed, forceps, tried vacuuming again, and then used the Dr's hands and twisted him out, nearly cracking my babies neck.

He's here, and perfect and today..He turned 8 years old. I was on a bad path and he completely changed my life. He is my first born, my first true love, my sunshine. Happy Birthday Son...May you have many many more. I love you.

Mothering is Easier when you're 5...

     I remember when I was a small girl. I loved playing with my baby alive baby doll, feeding them those really cool bottles that gave the illusion of emptying out the liquid (I had milk and orange juice bottles), changing their diapers once or twice a day and changing their clothes almost hourly. Mixing up the peas and carrots then cleaning up the poop after I fed him. If I didn't feel like cleaning up a diaper..I simply did not feed my baby that day. My baby, who I named Aaron, hardly ever cried and if he did I normally smacked him on the butt and he hushed or I just put him in bed and told him to be quiet and he listened and went to sleep until 'Mommy' was ready to play again. I look back on those wonderful 'parenting' days and wonder...WHY THE HECK DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME IT WOULD NOT BE THAT EASY??...Okay..but seriously? I never expected some of the things that have been thrown at me since I've become a mother.
       No one told me there was a difference in diaper brands, and that some would be better than others. No one told me I had the option of cloth diapering, formula, breast, or anything of the nature. No one informed me that when I became a mother I might not sleep for more than 4 hours straight for years. No one informed me that sometimes a tiny person could make a grown adult want to jump out of a window or pull every hair out of my head one by one while singing somewhere over the rainbow. It's proven...Children Drive You Crazy!
       This blog is for you. The crazy mother. Let's journey through these wonderful adventures through the Motherlands together. I'll post reviews, funny stories, pictures, recipes, and every thing in between.  I'll post frequently, and promise to make you laugh along the way. Life is crazy at times...why not bask in the craziness??

So buckle up, relax (if you can) and get ready for takeoff....

Until Next Time...
Bea