I'm Happy You Were Born

    Ah, where to begin. My youngest son is two today. I woke up this morning like every other morning except..I officially do not have a baby anymore. Z woke up oblivious to the fact that he was another year older and was just focused on wanting to wear a Thomas the Train shirt that is way too big. Picking my battles.  I remember when Christopher turned two, he wore a special "I'm two" outfit and was dressed to the nines from head to toe. He was dirty in 30 minutes and hated being dirty. There went that outfit. I didn't even attempt to dress Z special for his special day..he's special enough without some fancy outfit I'll put on him once.

    Zachary, I am so happy you exist. I am so happy you were born, so blessed that you took your first breathe of air only after residing in my womb for over 9 months. The moment I felt that first flutter of movement in my belly was the beginning of the never ending movement of your body. You never rest, even now. The flips, and turns and twirling. The jumping and running and rolling around...it's you. From the moment I felt you, it was you. You have taught me that love is endless. You have taught me that even when I feel I can fight no more, I can. I will be here for you forever, you are always my baby and I am always your mommy. Being your mother has been the absolute greatest joy and I am so very blessed to have you as mine. Over the past two years I have felt the heartache of learning about your seizures and going through yet another autism diagnosis. I felt like giving up so many times..but how do you give up? You cannot..and you got me through that, my little Z. I love you to the moon and alllll the way to the bottom of the deepest ocean and allll the way back to the moon!

    I always feel so nostalgic on birthdays. I hope for the future that each year he grows just as much as the last, that his blessings in life multiply and only get bigger. I cannot imagine what this next year will hold but I only hope for the best. <3 <3

Little Z is two. 

He knows his ABC's

He can say about 70 words

He knows a ton of bugs and animals by pointing

He knows about 20 signs for words

He knows the colors red, blue, green, yellow, black and purple
He dislikes sleeping, sitting still and sour tastes
He loves trains, cars and airplanes
He loves sports like soccer, throwing balls and golf
He loves books, learning games and his iPad

Z drinks from an open faced cup

Z is officially weaned as of about 2 weeks ago

Happy Birthday Z

Mommy Lovesss you!

What's Eating Christopher Aaron

Me and Z

   Christopher has been asking me a lot about Autism lately. He hears the word, he knows he has Autism but he really isn't sure what it is. I answer the best I can but he always seems to take me the wrong way and I have trouble explaining myself. Today has been a pretty laid back day so I decided to flip on Netflix and watch movies with the boys. I honestly had never saw "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" so decided not only did I want to see the classic anyways, but I thought it would be good for Christopher to watch it also. Not only from the Autistic side of things but because its a story of hope, love and compassion.
      The first scene of the movie where Arnie was waiting on the campers to come down the road; the scene where Arnie is yelling in excitement waiting..that is the moment I was reminded how beautiful my son really is. He looked at me and...

Chris "Mommy, which one has Autism?"
Me "The one yelling and excited about the campers"
Chris "Why do they say he has Autism?"
Me "Well, his behavior and other things..."
Chris "I feel like yelling sometimes when I am excited, too!"
Me "Yeah?"
Chris "Yeah, but you know...I still don't see anything wrong with him. I don't see the Autism, do you?"

    I am not sure why this moment hit me like a ton of bricks but it did. He doesn't see the autism. Throughout the movie he was confused as to why I said this was a movie about autism. He noticed what Arnie did, and how he acted but just said "Well, he's upset" or "Well, Gilbert hit him", "It's okay to be afraid of water". Too many times we see autism, or other disorders and not often enough to we just see one singular emotion. Arnie was autistic, but was it autism that made him afraid of water? No, Gilbert left him all night in water...that is why he was afraid of water. Everyday when he yells or talks loud, doesn't want to eat, has that little sassy attitude that drives me nuts I find myself trying to remind myself that he is autistic and maybe he cannot help it.
   When Christopher was diagnosed with Autism six years ago I dealt with it fairly well. I listened to the doctors, researched and advocated for my son as much as I could and more. When Z was diagnosed with Autism I felt like my world had come crashing down. I was more than happy to advocate and work with Christopher, the struggles were worth it, they were pretty much not even an option but that doesn't mean it wasn't hard and that I would jump up and volunteer to do it again. Yet here I found myself seven years later in a similar situation. Some days when I just look at them I feel sad. They are so different but they have this one thing, this one BIG thing in common - Autism. Watching Gilbert handle his brother, his frustration and love, was so inspiring to me. Obviously, my kids are on a much higher level of functioning than Arnie was and this also was something I was grateful for.
    When Christopher did not notice anything different about Arnie my mind went into a deeper level of thought than it had in a while. I felt this love that was hidden under my impatience and frustration and then I felt sad, sad that I even felt frustration. Looking from the outside into a movie seems silly but for me it was a huge eye opener. I wonder how confused my kids feel when I yell at them for something they cannot control or for emotions and actions that they can't help or don't understand themselves. If I was inside their minds when I asked them "what is wrong with you?" or "What were you thinking when you did that!", I wonder what I would see or feel. I wonder if it would hurt or if they would feel anger. I wonder if when they say they don't know why they do something, if they really mean it. I wonder if they say they can't do something or can't eat or say something if they really cannot.

Chris and I

         I think the biggest thing I took from him not seeing autism is me seeing their autism. Everyday, every hour I see it. When I take a picture and have to convince Christopher to look at the screw on the front of my camera to make it not sound like looking at my face...I see autism. When he talks like he has a megaphone attached to his mouth 24/7 ...I hear autism. When Z cannot say what he wants, or explain how he feels...I hear autism. When Z gets upset and bangs his head so hard that he bruises, yet doesn't seem to mind...I see autism. The question I ask myself now is...Why am I not seeing my kids?! Why do I instantly think autism? To them, this is not autism but this is them. To them their emotions are not autism, it is their emotions, it is them.
         I challenge myself and I challenge everyone else to stop seeing autism. Let's see the person, lets see them. I do not want to explain that my son has bruises on his forehead because he has autism, I want to just say he has bruises because that's Z. And I want that explanation to be enough. I don't want to explain that Christopher has autism and that is why the cook at a restaurant cannot have a single pepper speck showing on his chicken strip, I want to just say he's upset because there is a speck of pepper on his chicken and Christopher doesn't like that. And I want that explanation to be enough.  Even though when I look at my kids I see autism and I hear autism, I need to also see them and not assume all of their little personality quirks are always autism. Hell, maybe my kids are just more like me than I give them credit for and they are just weird.
     I always have trouble ending a post. I never know how to end something so open-ended. I guess I can add to my thoughts later, but wanted to get out how I was feeling now. I love that when least expected I get hit hard right in the heart. I need these moments because these are what gets mothers like me through to the next day. Autism isn't easy, parenting isn't easy, and being Christopher and Z's mom definitely isn't easy. But let me tell you...it is worth every exhausting second of it. It's worth every drop in gas spent on going to social group, every early morning waking up for speech therapy, and every extra hour it takes to explain something that a 'normal' child would understand in one sentence. It's worth it not because they have autism but because they are Christopher and Z and I am the luckiest mother in the world simply because of them.

    So what's eating Christopher Aaron?...apparently, nothing is.

Happy Father's Day from Earth

     Each year on fathers day I make two phone calls. One to my father and one to my step father. I always tell Jim how much I appreciate him as the father of our children also. This year will be different. ..I will be making one phone call and then saying a little father's day prayer. It's hard to wrap my head around that my father has passed away,  even though it's been almost two months. Does it get easier?  Each holiday or occasion I think I need to call so and so and then I remember that I can't call him. I know he isn't in pain anymore and he isn't suffering but lord knows I did not have enough time with him. I wasn't able to say what I needed to say and we weren't able to do what we needed to do.
     Last year around this same time we were talking about playing a round of golf and teasing each other about who would kick who's butt. We never played that round and I am regretful although I know it's not that big of a deal. I wonder if it will ever get easier or if ever year I will feel that pain and tightness in my throat, tears trying to fall and my chest heavy remembering I won't ever hear him sing or joke or just tell me he loves me again. I want to call and tell him I love him one more time and hear him say 'I know honey,  I love you too'. I want to call and tell him I'm going to beat him up and him ask me if I need a smack down (you'd have to know him to understand). I used to make jokes that I was going to stick him in the best nursing closet I could find...He would tell me he would cause so much trouble no one would let him stay and I'd be forced to take care of him and he would make my life a nightmare. He was a riot. Sometimes I feel sad when I make a joke or stupid face to my kids. I know I get that from him. I try to be happy that I am like him in a lot of ways but then I remember he's gone...he's really gone.

     What I'd do to say I love you dad one more time to him. To joke with him and talk about life and living right with him.  Happy Father's Day, Dad. Hope you're loving it up there in heaven. Hope you have a great first father's day with Brandy. Sing me a song tomorrow, okay? 

Love Your favorite daughter ever, I am pretty sure... <3
I Love You,
Britt

Morning Thoughts ...on health and other things

I am feeling a whirlwind of emotion lately. I am up and down and over there and back around and it's crazy. Most of the time I am not even sure how I am feeling. Last week we found out that our Z also has seizures..on top of the Autism and Sensory now we need to worry about flashing lights etc. Then yesterday I get lab results back and I am extremely vitamin deficient and really need to bump up the healthy living way of living. No gluten at all, I really need to rid of this so I can get healthy. I was put on a ton of new supplements and I am not even sure how my stomach is going to manage this many but I am sure it will. Instead of being upset about these new found medical conditions to add to our list, I feel numb. I feel like it keeps piling on and after so long you just kind of accept that something else is coming. It doesn't even hurt to think that way anymore. I can think of only positives from my test results...beginning of understanding the daily pain, the start of a new healthy life. As for the seizures our two year old is having, well there are really no positives I can think of. I guess I am glad they caught it early enough that we know that there is a problem. Is that even a positive?

Today I am starting with a cleanse that I have been excited but mostly anxious about starting. My goal is to jumpstart the unloading process of harmful toxins in my major organs. Today I start on an oil to detox the liver called Zendrocrine. You can get it through doTERRA, I sell for them also but this post has nothing to do with that. The oil is suppose to help the bodies natural ability to detox of toxins from the body, mainly in the liver. doTERRA also carries a blend that does more, but I am going to start with what I have and that's the oil and I will put the oil in my capsules myself. I am mainly worried about side effects and gut pain. I have lived a lot of years not eating or living right and I am afraid of the cleanse. This isn't suppose to be a harsh cleanse but that doesn't seem to be taking my mind off the potential for pain.

Good news of the day is that I woke up this morning minus the fibro flare up I have been struggling with over the past three days...This new lifestyle will also help minimize or eliminate the flareups. It's hard with three kids to have flare ups so bad that you feel you cannot move or wake up. Thank the good Lord for giving me a good man to help with everything while I am down. Fibro is an unseen condition yet consistently he can see it. He knows when I need him and he never seizes to deliver and everyday I wake up and he is with me, I feel thankful and blessed. I do not show him enough how much I appreciate him, some days I don't know how. I feel like just saying it isn't enough, and I need to do more..but what?

Anyways, this is just a long drawn out morning post. I woke up with the puppy at 5:30a again to potty so I decided I wanted to write. Drinking my coffee and talking to the universe right now. Not sure how to settle down my thoughts and emotions. Its so hard to explain, that I feel overloaded with emotions yet so numb. I feel so deserving of these conditions yet I know I do not deserve them. I hope I do not pass any of this on to my kids, I wouldn't wish my health on my enemy. I think that may be my main concern; passing my health onto my children. I feel if I change my lifestyle it obviously changes theirs too, and that is a good thing. So we will see how the changes goes. No sugar, no gluten and I think I will be completely cutting out grains for myself. Fresh, natural and organic. Enough of this toxin overload that we are doing to our systems...I am tired of dying over food and that is exactly what is happening. I am killing my own body with the very food I have eaten to survive and that...that my friend, is a big problem.

On being a 'Photo-Parent' *Pic Heavy*

    I cannot tell you the countless times people have admired the images I have taken (or J has taken) of our children. People always comment on how our kids are lucky to have photographer parents and that they must be pros by now so taking a really great image of them isn't really that difficult. This post, this one right here...the one you are reading..I am writing to debunk the theory that it is easy to take pictures of our children. Because in reality..it is anything but easy.

    I got the idea in my mind to do a super cute, very boyish photo shoot of our youngest boy, Z since he will be turning the big 2 next week. This is how it went...a story through pictures.

Here is the outfit I chose for him, cute right?

He would not sit still, this ball was the exception in the pictures I was willing to make at first

Classic...what are you doing mama?

.......

And a visit from the puppy...

Z thinks he looks better with his vest half on...

And now, for some reason he thinks it's time to play sleep!

Surprise Mom! I tricked you, I wasn't sleeping!

Hey mama, take a picture of my ball! (This is me catching him throwing the ball at me...)

This orchid leaf didn't taste as expected....

Ut Oh...Mama's not smiling ...

.....Better look cute for a second!

She keeps saying "Look, Z!" So I will look at the wall...hehe

I am so funny!

....

.....

Oh, she said do not touch the strobe cord...I'll have to ignore that

Lil' Stinker

This giggle, the entire time, is what makes being a photo-mom worth it. Even though it takes hours to get the shot you really adore...looking at your 'outtakes' and remembering the moments during your photoshoot is really what you will remember. Every single one of these pictures shows our little Z's personality and I would not change him for anything. He is so obnoxious, and so independent...and our little man is going to be two <3

Z