A morning with Autism...

    Okay, so hate is a strong word but damn, some mornings I feel like I might go crazy. Often we see these posts where living with Autism is a blessing and I am here to tell ya..it's really not. Autism is hard, Autism is angry, and moody and very very particular. I would not change my children, ever, but I'm not one of those mothers that praise the Gods for bringing Autism to my life. I think people who feel "blessed" to have a child with Autism have had some serious counseling, maybe I could benefit from counseling...hmm. Anyways, I have accepted that two of our children have Autism. I have fully accepted that they will be in some sort of therapy for the rest of their childhood and most likely into adulthood. Do I have any other choice but to accept it? Not really, we are their parents and we will do what we have to. Its mornings like this morning though, that I get so agitated that I have to deal with this disorder. Mornings like this I step back, watch our child bang his head on everything, leaving bruises and punching floors, and wonder..."what the hell did I do to deserve this?". Someday's I feel like I am more understanding, others - like right now - I seriously wonder how I have not had a heart attack and just died.
   I am angry that our child [almost 21 months] cannot talk and tell me why he feels so angry, I am angry that he punches me, and hits me and slams his head and hurts himself because he is so upset and distraught that he cannot tell me or even show me what's wrong. I get angry that he isn't the same [thankfully, though] as my other [8yrs] Autistic boy in the regards that I would know exactly what to do. I get angry that it seems the regression started with his 15 month vaccinations and I hit myself every single time I signed those papers to let him be "vaccinated". The vaccines..I will write about that another time.
   I am writing right now while Z is watching Frozen for the thousandth time, I dabbed him with Peaceful Child and he is okay now. I am sitting here calming myself down with a combination of Elevation, Peaceful Child and I put some deep blue on my back because with stress comes the pain. I hate that I have to go through this to get some peace, to get some down time. He gets so angry and lashes out in a way nor I or J have ever seen from a child so young. He never sees this stuff on TV or in movies so where does he get this extreme anger? I am worried for the future, and we have already considered behavior therapy when he gets of age. How do you discipline an Autistic child because we all know that discipline has a different effect on them than normally functioning children. I think that makes it even harder. That and the fact that he is so different than what I've dealt with in Autism before and J, well he has never dealt with a child like him either. We find ourselves looking at each other wondering what to do, and yet neither of us have answers. It's hard to have no idea whatsoever to help him. He cannot tell us what is wrong and the more we guess wrong, the worse he seems to act.
   I have so much homework, so I am going to end this post here. I have calmed down, so that's good. He is quiet, so that is also good. I don't hate Autism..I guess this was just a real time feeling of a mother who is desperate for something. Answers maybe..peace, perhaps.  I still do not feel blessed to have Autism in my life, but I am glad that with my experiences I can maybe help others who feel the same way in their lives. Lost, lonely, at their wits end, whatever they feel...having two with Autism just brings me down a bit more. I have to move forward with it because I am their mother and I love them so very much and would do anything in the world for them but, why? I feel at fault for all this, and I think that makes each outburst or meltdown harder for me. Sigh. Anyways...until next time...

With Love,
Bea

DIY Laundry Soap

    I have always been intrigued with those who buff up and make their own laundry detergent. It seems like such a hard thing to do, but so simple. So simple looking that I knew surely I would screw it up. We stopped using cloth diapers a few months ago because the cost to wash them was getting expensive. So we started using Seventh Generation diapers, and put the cloth diapers in the drawer. When money gets tight, the mind gets desperate. My mind kept going back to he homemade laundry soap that's safe for cloth diapers recipe I seen on a Facebook group I am part of. (I'll put the link below). Anyways, long story short - I finally took the plunge, and I will never look back. I don't know why I insist on doing so but I alter just about every single recipe food or otherwise to tweak and make it my own. This recipe is easy, cheap and so so so much better for your clothes. Let me know what you think.

This recipe is so easy, and simple because I opted out of all the crazy recipes I've found and stuck with the classic, cheap and easy way to make laundry soap. I've been using this soap for about a month now and let me tell you..I like it BETTER than All and Tide. We have an HE machine and it always smells weird when washing clothes and I felt like I was constantly washing it, moreso than washing laundry even. This soap leaves no residue, no odor and even leaves the machine smelling fresh. Like springtime..seriously. 

You'll need :

2 bars of Fels naptha $1.98 

1 box Arm and Hammer washing soda $3.35

1 box Borax $2.99

1 cup Oxy Clean (optional)

25 drops Lavender essential oil (optional) 

You can find all this in the detergent isle at Walmart, target, or most grocery stores. You can find essential oils by contacting me, and I will get you settled with those.

I used a simple method of grate the laundry bar and just added everything else into a large tub and mixed as well as I could. I added in the essential oils by dropping over the top, never in the same spot twice and mixed it a bit. It took me 10 minutes max to make this soap and I have used about 1/4 of the tub in over a month for a family of 5. The cost savings are really obvious and the cleaning capabilities are so much better. Even with a business degree I cannot fathom why big box companies charge so much! Their profit margins must be huge! 

You'll need 1 heaping tablespoon per load...you read that correctly - ONE tablespoon per load. This stuff lasts months! How can you go wrong? You can't. 

Anyways, I really love this detergent for a few reasons...

1) It's affordable. Let's face it, who wants to spend a weeks pay on laundry every month?

2) It smells awesome! I love how it cleans my machine at the same time as it's cleaning my clothes

3) We don't have to buy a separate detergent for the baby. That'd right, this stuff is better than Dreft. We had always spent so much on making sure he had a different, mild soap but it turns out that all the harsh chemicals and perfumes in Dreft weren't making his skin issues much better. This soap..which hath no name other than soap, does not break him out and I am able to wash his clothes with ours. 

4) Did I already say that it was cheap? Or that it works amazing? Or that it's cheap?

5) I love how long it lasts, how little you need per load, and how well it cleans

Let me know how you like it! 

Until next time...

Bea 

Turning Autistic?

   This may not make any sense to someone who isn't impacted by Autism. But, today as I picked up a small blue hot-wheel and vacuumed the floor I realized that I was doing things in my daily routine that might make others wonder if I was Autistic or something similar. What's more, some day's I wonder if I am going Autistic because I find myself doing these things when my kids aren't around, just out of habit. I know someone cannot "turn Autistic" but, if you have a child, or in my case two children, with Autism..you'll relate to my post.
   On a typical day my 20 month old will hand me a car over 100 times, as well as anyone else who walks into the room. He will tell me that car is a car probably 200 times before the day is over. He wants his daddy, brothers, friends and myself to always know that when we come home, there will be a pretty "carrrrrrr" there waiting for us. Before we do anything we have to make sure we are not going to step, sit or lay on cars. Today while vacuuming I had to laugh, I would not have been vacuuming while making sure I held onto a car if not for Autism.
   This has changed my life. It's funny how we Autistic parent's do things knowing that it will prevent a meltdown, or we say things differently knowing it will make a transition easier. I know that if I tell my Z to get away or out of something he won't but then I know if I say "wow, look at this car" he will come running. Some say we use his obsession against him, I say we use it to our and his advantage.
   Some days I wonder if I am becoming just as nervous about not doing something as my kids are. If I am not carrying a car while walking the baby to bed, I know the process will take longer. I know that not bringing a game to a long appointment for my older son, there will be a lot of frustration. These obsessions of theirs [there are many more than listed] have become "obsessions" of mine. I am afraid to forget these little things knowing that a melt down will happen. And because they are both so different, the stress level just elevates. I love them though, and I will carry cars, and books, and iPads with Wreck it Ralph to anywhere I go because I guess the way I see it is...if I am turning Autistic, which I am not, but if I were...then they would be giving back to me the gift that I gave them. 

    I haven't really blogged much since our youngest was diagnosed with Autism. I guess I've been a combination of in shock, busy and upset that he was diagnosed but here I am. I want to share with others the funny in being an "Autism Mom". I want to share the heart ache and give hope to others. I also want to blog about how my new found 'obsession' with essential oils has changed my life [and can change yours too!]. I love blogging about recipes and goodies so I think I will do that occasionally as well, but for now - Autism is my life.

Vacuuming with my very cool car

<3
Live with Joy,
Bea