Homeschooling & Life

We've decided to homeschool! We are allowing Z to finish out Pre-K and then from then on out we will be schooling at home. Many people think this is what is best for him, including us. There's been a lot of talks but it was not easy to actually make the choice because I want to see my kids excel, and never want to hold them back. After considering this became more serious, I decided to dig alittle deeper into it and so many of my fears were aliviated. Now, I'm just excited. Today I started some schooling 'tests' with Z. Not usual tests but I wanted to see how he would respond to me as a teacher. He doesn't like to sit down much. We did 6 worksheets about the letter A, the color red and the number 4. He did so much more amazing than I could have hoped for. Which, in turn, makes me even more excited!

My life has been a whirlwind of busy lately. I am hoping that this is just a huge shift and after everything gets figured out, things will settle down and actually be better. 

M has been doing well. I cannot believe he is going to be one in a couple weeks. Where did time go? He can say several words now. Yes, dada, mama, no, ut oh, and baby off the top of my head. He's so adorable. Definitely a huge light in our home. 

Health has been staggering along. Levels are still low, working on getting the supplements my body needs to survive. I have a good outlook though, and think things will get better. 

Business is good, or as good as it can be. Super slow right now but that's ok. It gives me time to catch up and regroup. There is so much changing right now and I think it's actually good that it's moving but not as fast lol. Of course, whenever things pick up again, I'll be happy with that too. 

Well, off here for now.

Bea

Living for Today

Why sit and smile for the camera when you can just float?

     I don't have many spontaneous days anymore so the ones I do have, I tend to think about over and over. It's like doing something crazy does something to my soul. Sets me on a new path. Makes the road a little easier to walk on ...or something. I took the kids out of school on Tuesday and we all went to the beach. Do I feel bad? Not in the least. It was an amazing day. I feel like I am at that point in my life where I am not happy with where I have been but I am able to accept that I am here for a reason and that my future has so much more to offer. I miss the waking up and having nothing to do. I miss the days where I wanted to be an adult...why do we all want to be an adult until we are an adult. I always admired "The adult", I wanted to be that adult. Make my own choices, eat what I wanted, do whatever I pleased....I am surprised my kids even want to be adults because I know I don't make it look easy. A few times a week it's an hour drive to the doctors, it's chores every day, it's whats for dinner, it's how do you make a work at home business work...every day. Then dealing with your own demons but having to push them aside to take care of your children. Thoughts go through my mind every single day about what tomorrow is going to be like and I forget how to live for today.
     That is why taking the kids out of school on Tuesday was so worth it. I was there. It was a live for today moment and I am so, so happy that I did it. The look on my kids faces was enough really...the rest was just follow through. I'd like to not forget to live in the moment more often. To cherish the days we have with our kids. To laugh when they laugh and not be annoyed because boys fart entirely too much in my opinion. Days like Tuesday showed me that being "The Adult" isn't always a bad thing...sometimes, we can be fun too. I hope my kids remember that day longer than I will but even if they don't, it was worth it for the day.
    It's so easy to be caught up in politics, social media, whats for dinner ...we forget that our babies are just babies. They need us. They are looking at us and learning from what we do and quite frankly...I am SCARED for the future. I want my kids to be decent human beings and we have quite a road to follow to get them there. Not because of them, but because of where they have to grow up. I constantly look to the future, what will be

...but today, and maybe tomorrow, and maybe even the next day...I am just going to focus on the now..I think that by doing right by today, the right of tomorrow just might be easier. 

Mikey's first time at the Ocean

Future Looking for The Kodak Life...

This blog changes with my life...and my life shifts a lot. So...with my Earthly shifting, this blog will shift also. This is my new intended schedule. Let me know if you'd enjoy me writing or sharing about anything else.

**Angel Card Readings - It's really not a secret, but not many people know how much I love doing Angel Card readings. So daily, I will be posting my reading for the day. Readings are sent off into the universe for everyone. I'd love to read how some resonate with you, in the comments of those posts.

**Psychic Happenings - I plan to share some experiences and thoughts on my psychic and mediumship development journey. It's pretty amazing.

**Recipes - Always got to have my recipes! I plan to share at least one a week.

**Crafts - I love to do crafts with my children, We come up with some pretty fun stuff and we will be sharing it with you!

**Business woes. Small business isn't easy....never has been, never will be. But, I do love to share my business knowledge with you.

**Ideally, there will be a new post every other day.

**Random life happenings 2x per week

*Product and Small business reviews...to start, 1x a month. I'll have this all together in it's own section. I plan on getting back into the Buzz campaigns and such also. Let me know if there is anything you'd like me to review. 


I'll be adding to this list as I come up with more things. haha

It's been a while, my old friend.

   I know I haven't been on here in a while, and I had this whole post in my mind to make up for it because obviously it has happened before. But now that I am here...its all gone out the window and really the reason I haven't been blogging is simple. I have been so depressed. I mean, of course people get depressed, life happens, shit hits the fan however you want to word it is fine. I have been really, really, severely depressed. When I found out we were pregnant with our last baby, I was so scared, shocked, how am I going to do this sort of thing and then I saw the heartbeat...and it was love. Everything was going to be okay. Then 4 weeks later...nothing. 12+5w she had died. I have went over that day over and over and over in my mind. What could I have done that day to just make her little tiny heart stop beating. I pray I was thinking of her at that moment. I pray I wasn't complaining about being nervous about handling it...and she just thought "Okay, I get the point...I'll go.."...It doesn't matter when people say "You didn't do anything" ...because I wish I could know what I was doing at that moment my precious baby slipped away...I know she was with me..but I hope I was there with her. 

 ....at 13 weeks I had my DNC and we found out she was a perfect little girl after 4 boys and I was devastated. It was hard enough losing a baby, add on how crappy I felt because I wasn't super excited at first then let it be my girl. I did all the right things in my mind, as I do with any baby. I just worried that I wouldn't live up to having 5 children. I had already been struggling with PPD from M and this just made it worse.
   Losing a baby puts you in that really numb place where you can't feel happiness or sadness yet you cry and your shell of a body laughs when other people laugh. I found myself sinking, sinking deeper, deeper into this black pit of depression where I didn't know which way was up and every time I'd go to the Dr I'd ask for more more more medication and antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication so I wouldn't feel this urge to just break down every second of the day. I found myself not wanting to wake up, looking through dirty glass when I opened my eyes. Wanting to sleep but hating to close my eyes dreaming of might have been. The love and laughter I might have felt finding out I had a daughter....after all these years of longing. People tried to help, they'd offer words of support and encouragement. But they didn't know..how could they. Reading words became something I just did, in a sense it went in one ear and out the other and I had no emotional capacity to even hold their loving thoughts. It sounds bad, but depression is bad. In the last several months I have pushed more people away than I care to even think about. I have deleted hundreds of unknowing people off Facebook. I haven't called or messaged or talked to the people I used to. It doesn't matter how many lights you turn on...the room is still dark.
    Life goes on like my baby didn't exist and that makes it harder. I have nothing to remember her by except a shitty ultrasound picture that I cherish so deeply. Someday, I want a tattoo or a piece of jewelry or something...so she is always with me. It's coming in on her due date, but also M's birthday and I have to force myself to be strong because it isn't fair to M and I know that. I've been told that many times and I know. I know. But, it's hard. At that point in my depression I may be licking the floor my pharmacist walks on. Who knows.

  Over the course of my life I have fallen into depressions...it's sort of in my DNA I guess. Something that happens every now and again and I eliminate people from my life and push people away. People think I am this extremely happy person and most of the time I am. But, I have this dark side too. Dark to me anyways....This time has been significantly worse though...so bad that an anti-most-medicines, holistic loving, crunchy person would beg the Dr for more....almost begging on my knees to take these feelings away and get me back to some sort of even playing field for myself and my other children. Fake it till you make it just doesn't work with depression...I wish it did.

  So anyways, lately I have been trying some homeopathic things to help with the depression and starting to come out of the haze a little bit. I've noticed that the sun has started coming back into my life and things are a little clearer now. I still take my time every day to cry over my sweet, lost, angel baby. I am trying my hardest to lay the guilt and regret to rest..I think this is the hardest to do. I have been trying to get back into this blog that I really love so much..it just never seems to work out for long does it? But it'll be good to show the kids when they get older. That their mom was not superwoman...she was a real, human being...at least on the inside. I do want to blog more often and plan on it...I think it's good for me.

I've missed you....I won't be gone long this time, I promise.

With Love,
Lady Bea