I know I haven't been on here in a while, and I had this whole post in my mind to make up for it because obviously it has happened before. But now that I am here...its all gone out the window and really the reason I haven't been blogging is simple. I have been so depressed. I mean, of course people get depressed, life happens, shit hits the fan however you want to word it is fine. I have been really, really, severely depressed. When I found out we were pregnant with our last baby, I was so scared, shocked, how am I going to do this sort of thing and then I saw the heartbeat...and it was love. Everything was going to be okay. Then 4 weeks later...nothing. 12+5w she had died. I have went over that day over and over and over in my mind. What could I have done that day to just make her little tiny heart stop beating. I pray I was thinking of her at that moment. I pray I wasn't complaining about being nervous about handling it...and she just thought "Okay, I get the point...I'll go.."...It doesn't matter when people say "You didn't do anything" ...because I wish I could know what I was doing at that moment my precious baby slipped away...I know she was with me..but I hope I was there with her.
....at 13 weeks I had my DNC and we found out she was a perfect little girl after 4 boys and I was devastated. It was hard enough losing a baby, add on how crappy I felt because I wasn't super excited at first then let it be my girl. I did all the right things in my mind, as I do with any baby. I just worried that I wouldn't live up to having 5 children. I had already been struggling with PPD from M and this just made it worse.
Losing a baby puts you in that really numb place where you can't feel happiness or sadness yet you cry and your shell of a body laughs when other people laugh. I found myself sinking, sinking deeper, deeper into this black pit of depression where I didn't know which way was up and every time I'd go to the Dr I'd ask for more more more medication and antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication so I wouldn't feel this urge to just break down every second of the day. I found myself not wanting to wake up, looking through dirty glass when I opened my eyes. Wanting to sleep but hating to close my eyes dreaming of might have been. The love and laughter I might have felt finding out I had a daughter....after all these years of longing. People tried to help, they'd offer words of support and encouragement. But they didn't know..how could they. Reading words became something I just did, in a sense it went in one ear and out the other and I had no emotional capacity to even hold their loving thoughts. It sounds bad, but depression is bad. In the last several months I have pushed more people away than I care to even think about. I have deleted hundreds of unknowing people off Facebook. I haven't called or messaged or talked to the people I used to. It doesn't matter how many lights you turn on...the room is still dark.
Life goes on like my baby didn't exist and that makes it harder. I have nothing to remember her by except a shitty ultrasound picture that I cherish so deeply. Someday, I want a tattoo or a piece of jewelry or something...so she is always with me. It's coming in on her due date, but also M's birthday and I have to force myself to be strong because it isn't fair to M and I know that. I've been told that many times and I know. I know. But, it's hard. At that point in my depression I may be licking the floor my pharmacist walks on. Who knows.
Over the course of my life I have fallen into depressions...it's sort of in my DNA I guess. Something that happens every now and again and I eliminate people from my life and push people away. People think I am this extremely happy person and most of the time I am. But, I have this dark side too. Dark to me anyways....This time has been significantly worse though...so bad that an anti-most-medicines, holistic loving, crunchy person would beg the Dr for more....almost begging on my knees to take these feelings away and get me back to some sort of even playing field for myself and my other children. Fake it till you make it just doesn't work with depression...I wish it did.
So anyways, lately I have been trying some homeopathic things to help with the depression and starting to come out of the haze a little bit. I've noticed that the sun has started coming back into my life and things are a little clearer now. I still take my time every day to cry over my sweet, lost, angel baby. I am trying my hardest to lay the guilt and regret to rest..I think this is the hardest to do. I have been trying to get back into this blog that I really love so much..it just never seems to work out for long does it? But it'll be good to show the kids when they get older. That their mom was not superwoman...she was a real, human being...at least on the inside. I do want to blog more often and plan on it...I think it's good for me.
I've missed you....I won't be gone long this time, I promise.
With Love,
Lady Bea
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