Okay, so hate is a strong word but damn, some mornings I feel like I might go crazy. Often we see these posts where living with Autism is a blessing and I am here to tell ya..it's really not. Autism is hard, Autism is angry, and moody and very very particular. I would not change my children, ever, but I'm not one of those mothers that praise the Gods for bringing Autism to my life. I think people who feel "blessed" to have a child with Autism have had some serious counseling, maybe I could benefit from counseling...hmm. Anyways, I have accepted that two of our children have Autism. I have fully accepted that they will be in some sort of therapy for the rest of their childhood and most likely into adulthood. Do I have any other choice but to accept it? Not really, we are their parents and we will do what we have to. Its mornings like this morning though, that I get so agitated that I have to deal with this disorder. Mornings like this I step back, watch our child bang his head on everything, leaving bruises and punching floors, and wonder..."what the hell did I do to deserve this?". Someday's I feel like I am more understanding, others - like right now - I seriously wonder how I have not had a heart attack and just died.
I am angry that our child [almost 21 months] cannot talk and tell me why he feels so angry, I am angry that he punches me, and hits me and slams his head and hurts himself because he is so upset and distraught that he cannot tell me or even show me what's wrong. I get angry that he isn't the same [thankfully, though] as my other [8yrs] Autistic boy in the regards that I would know exactly what to do. I get angry that it seems the regression started with his 15 month vaccinations and I hit myself every single time I signed those papers to let him be "vaccinated". The vaccines..I will write about that another time.
I am writing right now while Z is watching Frozen for the thousandth time, I dabbed him with Peaceful Child and he is okay now. I am sitting here calming myself down with a combination of Elevation, Peaceful Child and I put some deep blue on my back because with stress comes the pain. I hate that I have to go through this to get some peace, to get some down time. He gets so angry and lashes out in a way nor I or J have ever seen from a child so young. He never sees this stuff on TV or in movies so where does he get this extreme anger? I am worried for the future, and we have already considered behavior therapy when he gets of age. How do you discipline an Autistic child because we all know that discipline has a different effect on them than normally functioning children. I think that makes it even harder. That and the fact that he is so different than what I've dealt with in Autism before and J, well he has never dealt with a child like him either. We find ourselves looking at each other wondering what to do, and yet neither of us have answers. It's hard to have no idea whatsoever to help him. He cannot tell us what is wrong and the more we guess wrong, the worse he seems to act.
I have so much homework, so I am going to end this post here. I have calmed down, so that's good. He is quiet, so that is also good. I don't hate Autism..I guess this was just a real time feeling of a mother who is desperate for something. Answers maybe..peace, perhaps. I still do not feel blessed to have Autism in my life, but I am glad that with my experiences I can maybe help others who feel the same way in their lives. Lost, lonely, at their wits end, whatever they feel...having two with Autism just brings me down a bit more. I have to move forward with it because I am their mother and I love them so very much and would do anything in the world for them but, why? I feel at fault for all this, and I think that makes each outburst or meltdown harder for me. Sigh. Anyways...until next time...
With Love,
Bea
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