Each year on fathers day I make two phone calls. One to my father and one to my step father. I always tell Jim how much I appreciate him as the father of our children also. This year will be different. ..I will be making one phone call and then saying a little father's day prayer. It's hard to wrap my head around that my father has passed away, even though it's been almost two months. Does it get easier? Each holiday or occasion I think I need to call so and so and then I remember that I can't call him. I know he isn't in pain anymore and he isn't suffering but lord knows I did not have enough time with him. I wasn't able to say what I needed to say and we weren't able to do what we needed to do.
Last year around this same time we were talking about playing a round of golf and teasing each other about who would kick who's butt. We never played that round and I am regretful although I know it's not that big of a deal. I wonder if it will ever get easier or if ever year I will feel that pain and tightness in my throat, tears trying to fall and my chest heavy remembering I won't ever hear him sing or joke or just tell me he loves me again. I want to call and tell him I love him one more time and hear him say 'I know honey, I love you too'. I want to call and tell him I'm going to beat him up and him ask me if I need a smack down (you'd have to know him to understand). I used to make jokes that I was going to stick him in the best nursing closet I could find...He would tell me he would cause so much trouble no one would let him stay and I'd be forced to take care of him and he would make my life a nightmare. He was a riot. Sometimes I feel sad when I make a joke or stupid face to my kids. I know I get that from him. I try to be happy that I am like him in a lot of ways but then I remember he's gone...he's really gone.
Last year around this same time we were talking about playing a round of golf and teasing each other about who would kick who's butt. We never played that round and I am regretful although I know it's not that big of a deal. I wonder if it will ever get easier or if ever year I will feel that pain and tightness in my throat, tears trying to fall and my chest heavy remembering I won't ever hear him sing or joke or just tell me he loves me again. I want to call and tell him I love him one more time and hear him say 'I know honey, I love you too'. I want to call and tell him I'm going to beat him up and him ask me if I need a smack down (you'd have to know him to understand). I used to make jokes that I was going to stick him in the best nursing closet I could find...He would tell me he would cause so much trouble no one would let him stay and I'd be forced to take care of him and he would make my life a nightmare. He was a riot. Sometimes I feel sad when I make a joke or stupid face to my kids. I know I get that from him. I try to be happy that I am like him in a lot of ways but then I remember he's gone...he's really gone.
What I'd do to say I love you dad one more time to him. To joke with him and talk about life and living right with him. Happy Father's Day, Dad. Hope you're loving it up there in heaven. Hope you have a great first father's day with Brandy. Sing me a song tomorrow, okay?
Love Your favorite daughter ever, I am pretty sure... <3
I Love You,
Britt
I Love You,
Britt
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