What's Eating Christopher Aaron

Me and Z

   Christopher has been asking me a lot about Autism lately. He hears the word, he knows he has Autism but he really isn't sure what it is. I answer the best I can but he always seems to take me the wrong way and I have trouble explaining myself. Today has been a pretty laid back day so I decided to flip on Netflix and watch movies with the boys. I honestly had never saw "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" so decided not only did I want to see the classic anyways, but I thought it would be good for Christopher to watch it also. Not only from the Autistic side of things but because its a story of hope, love and compassion.
      The first scene of the movie where Arnie was waiting on the campers to come down the road; the scene where Arnie is yelling in excitement waiting..that is the moment I was reminded how beautiful my son really is. He looked at me and...

Chris "Mommy, which one has Autism?"
Me "The one yelling and excited about the campers"
Chris "Why do they say he has Autism?"
Me "Well, his behavior and other things..."
Chris "I feel like yelling sometimes when I am excited, too!"
Me "Yeah?"
Chris "Yeah, but you know...I still don't see anything wrong with him. I don't see the Autism, do you?"

    I am not sure why this moment hit me like a ton of bricks but it did. He doesn't see the autism. Throughout the movie he was confused as to why I said this was a movie about autism. He noticed what Arnie did, and how he acted but just said "Well, he's upset" or "Well, Gilbert hit him", "It's okay to be afraid of water". Too many times we see autism, or other disorders and not often enough to we just see one singular emotion. Arnie was autistic, but was it autism that made him afraid of water? No, Gilbert left him all night in water...that is why he was afraid of water. Everyday when he yells or talks loud, doesn't want to eat, has that little sassy attitude that drives me nuts I find myself trying to remind myself that he is autistic and maybe he cannot help it.
   When Christopher was diagnosed with Autism six years ago I dealt with it fairly well. I listened to the doctors, researched and advocated for my son as much as I could and more. When Z was diagnosed with Autism I felt like my world had come crashing down. I was more than happy to advocate and work with Christopher, the struggles were worth it, they were pretty much not even an option but that doesn't mean it wasn't hard and that I would jump up and volunteer to do it again. Yet here I found myself seven years later in a similar situation. Some days when I just look at them I feel sad. They are so different but they have this one thing, this one BIG thing in common - Autism. Watching Gilbert handle his brother, his frustration and love, was so inspiring to me. Obviously, my kids are on a much higher level of functioning than Arnie was and this also was something I was grateful for.
    When Christopher did not notice anything different about Arnie my mind went into a deeper level of thought than it had in a while. I felt this love that was hidden under my impatience and frustration and then I felt sad, sad that I even felt frustration. Looking from the outside into a movie seems silly but for me it was a huge eye opener. I wonder how confused my kids feel when I yell at them for something they cannot control or for emotions and actions that they can't help or don't understand themselves. If I was inside their minds when I asked them "what is wrong with you?" or "What were you thinking when you did that!", I wonder what I would see or feel. I wonder if it would hurt or if they would feel anger. I wonder if when they say they don't know why they do something, if they really mean it. I wonder if they say they can't do something or can't eat or say something if they really cannot.

Chris and I

         I think the biggest thing I took from him not seeing autism is me seeing their autism. Everyday, every hour I see it. When I take a picture and have to convince Christopher to look at the screw on the front of my camera to make it not sound like looking at my face...I see autism. When he talks like he has a megaphone attached to his mouth 24/7 ...I hear autism. When Z cannot say what he wants, or explain how he feels...I hear autism. When Z gets upset and bangs his head so hard that he bruises, yet doesn't seem to mind...I see autism. The question I ask myself now is...Why am I not seeing my kids?! Why do I instantly think autism? To them, this is not autism but this is them. To them their emotions are not autism, it is their emotions, it is them.
         I challenge myself and I challenge everyone else to stop seeing autism. Let's see the person, lets see them. I do not want to explain that my son has bruises on his forehead because he has autism, I want to just say he has bruises because that's Z. And I want that explanation to be enough. I don't want to explain that Christopher has autism and that is why the cook at a restaurant cannot have a single pepper speck showing on his chicken strip, I want to just say he's upset because there is a speck of pepper on his chicken and Christopher doesn't like that. And I want that explanation to be enough.  Even though when I look at my kids I see autism and I hear autism, I need to also see them and not assume all of their little personality quirks are always autism. Hell, maybe my kids are just more like me than I give them credit for and they are just weird.
     I always have trouble ending a post. I never know how to end something so open-ended. I guess I can add to my thoughts later, but wanted to get out how I was feeling now. I love that when least expected I get hit hard right in the heart. I need these moments because these are what gets mothers like me through to the next day. Autism isn't easy, parenting isn't easy, and being Christopher and Z's mom definitely isn't easy. But let me tell you...it is worth every exhausting second of it. It's worth every drop in gas spent on going to social group, every early morning waking up for speech therapy, and every extra hour it takes to explain something that a 'normal' child would understand in one sentence. It's worth it not because they have autism but because they are Christopher and Z and I am the luckiest mother in the world simply because of them.

    So what's eating Christopher Aaron?...apparently, nothing is.